Forget the experts. When it comes to who will win Super Bowl LII, your boy knows. No, I’m not looking at statistics, performance metrics or advanced analytics. I’m not good at math. I haven’t gone in-depth to study Bill Belichick’s offensive tendencies against 4-3 defenses or even how the Patriots fare in Super Bowl’s in even-numbered years. It’s all nonsense.
Instead, I have come up with nine key, non-traditional factors that when put together weave an intricate tapestry of unfailingly precise prognostication.
Mascot – The Eagles feature Swoop, a six-foot three inch dude in an eagle costume wearing an Eagle jersey. (How’d they come up with that?) Swoop’s bio claims he allegedly feeds on smaller birds like Cardinals, Falcons, Ravens & Seahawks, and of course cheesesteaks and soft pretzels.
Pat the Patriot, according to his bio, majors in American History was born on July 4th, 1776 and lists his height as “head and shoulders above the rest.” Lame. What we have here is a hyper-patriotic competition between a toothy-grinned minuteman and an American bald eagle, the symbol of our country. Being that Pats owner Robert Kraft is a Donald Trump supporter, I’m surprised Pat the Patriot hasn’t replaced his tricorne with a red Make America Great Again baseball cap. Advantage – Eagles
City Nickname – Philadelphia is, together now, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Right, from a town that is infamously known for booing Santa Claus and throwing full cans of beer at rival Vikings fans before the start of the NFC Championship. I find that behavior endearing.
Boston has “Beantown.” Meh. It’s also known as “The Hub.” Yeah, in 1858, Oliver Wendell Holmes dubbed the Massachusetts State House “The Hub of the Solar System” or “The Hub of the Universe.” Well, doesn’t that just sum it up for Boston? For real. The only thing worse than the Patriots, for most of us, are its incorrigible, entitled fans. But with Tom Brady making his 8th Super Bowl appearance and a chance at his sixth win. He is the GOAT. How can you argue that Boston is the hub of NFL championships? You can’t. Advantage – Patriots
Cheerleaders – Out of respect for #MeToo and the Times Up movements it would not be proper to judge the Patriots or Eagles cheerleaders on their skimpy uniforms or even their annual swimsuit calendars. Instead, we will focus on education and community involvement. What’s really cool, is every member of each cheer squad either has a degree or is working on earning a college diploma. Like 3-year Eagles cheer vet Ally who has a bachelors from Bloomsburg University and is certified in Animal Reiki. (Look it up.) Sage is a sales analyst for a Fortune 500 company graduated from the Drexel University Lebow College of Business. Five-year veteran Mandy is an elementary school teachers and working on her Masters. Patriot Cheer’s Ashley attends Harvard and her teammate Courtney L. has her Masters in education. Emerald P. attends the Air Force Academy and Boston University. DAMN!
Eagles Cheer boasts community involvement in clean water projects in the Dominican Republic, donating school supplies for special needs children in Mexico and work with the local SPCA. Now, I’m sure Patriots Cheer participate in similar worthwhile projects, however, its website doesn’t really mention any of it, focusing instead on fun factoids like: Alex B.’s fear of monkeys and asking Ashlee B. “What is the nerdiest thing you do in your spare time?” She said Candy Crush. Advantage – Eagles
The Big Four – We know when we compare Philadelphia and New England when it comes to NFL titles. It’s not even close. Sure, the Eagles won three NFL championships back before face masks. (’48, ’49 & ’60) But in the Super Bowl era the Eagles are oh-fer, losing XV to the Raiders 27-10 and XXXIX to the Pats 24-21. But how does the City of Brotherly Love match up in the other major league sports? Simply put…they don’t. A total of seven titles for Philly. Seven. In the same period of time, Boston has celebrated 36 big wins, more than 7x as many as Philadelphia. And Boston has celebrated repeatedly in the 2000’s. Philly, just once. The Phillies last won a title in 2008. The Red Sox did it in 2013. Of course, New England won last year and in 2015 and in 2005 and in 2004 AND in 2002. The Boston Bruins took home Lord Stanley’s cup in 2011. The Philadelphia Flyers’ last NHL title was 1975. Gerald Ford was president. In 2008, The Celtics raised an NBA championship banner into the rafters at the TD Garden. The Philadelphia 76ers behind Dr. J and Moses Malone won the title in 1983. Yup, gasoline was only $1.16 a gallon. I suppose I could go with the idea that the odds are that Philly is going to win one of these eventually. Nope. Advantage – Patriots
Football Movie – For New England it’s Walt Disney’s “The Game Plan” starring Duane “The Rock” Johnson. He’s the quarterback for the fictional Boston Rebels and there’s a dog and his daughter involved. or something. The movie was filmed all around Beantown and at the home of the Patriots, Gillette Stadium in Foxboro. The movie made a ton o’ dough, $90 million. Damn! The critics, however, gave it a very unfresh 29% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Philly’s got “Invincible” starring Mark Wahlberg, in the dramatization of a 30-year-old bartender turned Eagles hero, Vince Papale. Rotten Tomatoes liked it with a fresh rating of 71% but it made considerably less than “The Game Plan” with a box office of $58 million. AND it has Elizabeth Banks with 70’s hair as a rough-talking bartender in a NY Giants t-shirt. I’ll be honest I never saw “The Game Plan,” and I never will. Advantage – Eagles
Non-Football Movie – Look, I’m a huge “Good Will Hunting” fan. “I got her numbuh, how do you like them apples.” For real, I have watched that movie a hundred times. Boston can also claim “The Boondock Saints,” Oscar winner “Spotlight,” and “The Town.” Philadelphia has the aforementioned “Invincible,” Oscar winner, “Philadelphia” and the Eddie Murphy classic “Trading Places.” Why don’t we simplify the battle with two obvious choices. Representing Boston, 2007’s “The Departed” starring Jack Nicholson, Matt Damon, Mark Wahlberg and Leonardo DiCaprio. In Philadelphia’s corner the 1976 classic, “Rocky” starring a young, mush-mouthed Sylvester Stallone. Both films won the Academy Award for best picture and best director. In all, “Rocky” was nominated for 10 awards and took home three gold statues, “The Departed” won four awards out of five nods. You gotta go with “Rocky” though, right? I mean, it spawned a true superstar in Sly…everyone did a Rocky impersonation, not to mention, the 173 different sequels. With “The Departed,” and I LOVE this film, I just like to try and do Wahlberg’s Bahston accent. Advantage – Eagles
Boy Bands – Philly’s got some sick music. How about The Roots, Patty LaBelle, Diplo, icons Hall & Oates and Joan Jett to name a few. Boston can claim Aerosmith, Boston, The Cars, Godsmack and Pixies. An arguable toss-up, I’m thinking. I believe the only fair way to compare the cities, musically, is apples to apples. We’ll simply make it a battle of the boy bands. In Philly’s corner, Boyz II Men with the four-part harmony of Nathan, Shaun, Wanya and Michael against Boston’s Donnie, Jordan, Joey, Jonathan and Danny of New Kids on the Block. Tough call.
Ya know, if you go off the Billboard charts, Boyz II Men is the clear winner with five #1 records compared to NKOTB’s three including “One Sweet Day” with Mariah Carey that even after 23 years is tied for the record for consecutive weeks at #1 (16). Album sales, according to the Recording Industry Association of America, (RIAA) folks that know this stuff claim that Boyz outsold NKOTB 27 million to 16.5 million. You do have to give credit to NKOTB. If it were not for them, we probably would have never heard of The Backstreet Boys, N*Sync and therefore Super Bowl LII halftime show stud, Justin Timberlake…take that as a positive or a negative. Donnie Wahlberg is the only one from either group that separated himself with a successful acting career. However, we must not overlook Boyz and that Geico “Side Effects” commercial where, in three-part harmony, they sing “gassy.” Thanks for hangin’ tough, NKOTB but it’s the end of the road. Advantage – Eagles
The Rap Game – Philadelphia has Meek Mill, Cassidy and Scholly D. That’s not a bad hip hop lineup…not great either but it’s significantly better than Boston’s – The Funky Bunch. Yup, that’s it. The. Funky. Bunch. Let’s make it fair. We’ll put Mark Wahlberg’s group’s skills up against DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince. Do we really have to? The Funky Bunch begins and ends with “Good Vibrations,” a #1 hit in 1991. Hell, they were even nominated for a Grammy in ’92 for Best Rap Solo Performance for “You Gotta Believe.” Thankfully, they lost to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby’s Got Back.”
Believe it or not, though, DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince DO have a Grammy. They won the first ever Rap Performance award back in 1989 for “Parents Just Don’t Understand.” Later, “Summertime” came out and was an even bigger smash for the Philly duo.
You could just match up Will Smith against Mark Wahlberg. For the sake of argument , we’ll call that one a tie with a slight advantage to will for the wordplay of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Jazzy did some guest spots on the successful sitcom and is a pretty well-respected DJ while the Funky Bunch’s Hector the Booty Inspector is employed checking receipts at a Worcester, Mass Walmart. “In West Philadelphia, born and raised…” Advantage – Eagles
The Perv Factor – Upon a Google search of strip clubs and adult bookstores, Philadelphia takes the lead with 19 strip clubs listed and 19 porno retailers including one named “The Pleasure Chest.” Boston is woefully behind with eight Google’d strip clubs and a joint called “Hubba Hubba” among the nine smut peddlers recorded. The real freaky-freak doesn’t come out until you check the research done by PornHub, a pornographic video-sharing website. As far as traffic to the website, the May, 2017 report shows Boston & Philly are neck and neck. Philadelphia with 2.7% of all the PornHub traffic, compared to 2.4% for Boston. They’re ranked 8th and 10th respectively. New York City, obviously, is number one, recording nearly 8% of all traffic.
Now, get this, as far as most popular searches. Philadelphians go for: lesbian, MILF & step-mom porn while Bostonians prefer to search for MILF, step-mom & hentai which is, basically Japanese anime porn. Right? Now, relative to the rest of the country, porn-seekers in Philly are nearly 100% more likely to look up the following: Ebony, Black and Ebony Lesbians. Boston…how about this? They search for Chinese porn 173% more than the rest of the country, Giantess porn, 148% more than everyone else and JOI porn 106% more than the rest of us. (I am not going to explain what JOI porn is. Do your own research.) So, despite Philly housing double the strip clubs & adult book stores than Boston, New Englanders are kinky online. Now, if only we could find a giant Chinese woman doing JOI. Advantage – Patriots
The Final Tally – Eagles 6, Patriots 3. Sorry, Tom Terrific, no sixth ring for you. Man, when Nick Foles lifts the Lombardi Trophy high above his head, things gon get crazy in Philly, a party 58 years in the making…hell, even Pornhub viewership might take a hit.